This last Sunday, I made the decision to move into a sober living house with 11 other guys. It was a big move for me emotionally, spiritually, financially, and even physically. At first thought, it immediately seemed like an easy no brainer. I did not realize all that had to go into it and how humbling the experience will be.
I keep getting questions of why I moved from my apartment where I had a plethora of space, my own bathroom, and complete freedom to a place where there is 12 guys to 2 bathrooms, house rules, and accountability. I chose not to answer to this point because it is not a simple answer. There were a lot of factors that ultimately led me here.
No, I did not relapse…but I was on the verge of it. I have been sober for a few days shy of 19 months, but lately, I had not been acting like it. I noticed myself reverting to my old ways of self-pity, self-loathing, telling little lies, trying to manipulate situations to my benefit, and more. This combination led to temptation becoming stronger and stronger. I slowed down with meetings and started to become complacent with my program of recovery. This is a recipe for disaster. I started to question again, what would happen if I picked up a drink or used just one time. I know in the depths of my heart it would lead to a binge that would either strip me of everything I have worked for in sobriety or even take my life.
On top of that, the lease my roommate has is coming to an end soon and there was no concrete plan of what he was going to do next, which left me in a tough spot concerning my future security. I was just looking for a place for the end of January to move to because I did not want to commit to a 6-month lease somewhere when I would be moving in with my fiancée after we get married in May. Then, I found a post about a bed in a single room of a sober living house was open. I had never thought about living in a sober living house before. I thought I was too good for it. Then I checked my ego and realized that is exactly what I need right now with old behaviors and thoughts returning and my current living situation coming to an end with the future being ambiguous.
So I paid December’s rent and let my roommate know that December would be my last month at the apartment. I moved into sober living on the 2nd. This means I paid rent at one place and now I am paying rent for sober living. This left me in a tough financial spot this month. Literally, I had $5 in my bank account and I gave away about 80% of my possessions that I had accumulated over the years. However, God has provided for me through friends who have lifted me up in prayer, sent me money, given me gift cards, and paid for my meals.
This is not the ideal situation and definitely not where I imagined myself to be at the age of 24. This took a toll on my mental health on Monday and I almost made bad decisions. Instead, I left work early, reached out to people, and called my therapist. Today, I am in a much better state of mind. I am more grateful. Though I do not deserve all this support I have been getting, I have to push my pride and ego aside to accept God’s blessings. I am not too good for this. I am right where I need to be.