“Get over it”
“Just be grateful”
“Did you pray?”
Have you said any of these things without first listening to your friend? When I say listening, I mean actually listening, not just hearing. When we hear our friends, we try to fix their problems with simple solutions or clichés. When we actually listen, we gave give them practical answers. Yes, there is power in prayer, but there may be another solution that you are missing because you are not listening.
Another one I have heard lately is to be more grateful. Yes, being grateful helps shape your perspective. Sometimes, not always the case and very rarely, that person is actually in a crappy situation no matter what the perspective is. They could still be grateful for what they have and just need somebody to listen to them. They don’t want a solution, they just want to know that you care enough for them to just listen.
This is where we get into what Bonhoeffer calls place sharing. I have talked about this before in ministry, but what if we do this in our relationships. We need somebody who will share our victories, but also share our pains. If you are not sharing in somebody’s pain, you are not listening to them. You are ready to put in your two cents to try to get a quick fix. Now, this does not mean that we let the person stay in the place they are, but it means we accept that their feelings are valid and their thoughts are valid.
I do this with my friends, it comes naturally to me. Lately, I’ve been going through some tough stuff and the same friends who I validate and listen to have been the people who have not listened to me. I have been put in a situation that I am not happy with that was not my causing, but is my choosing so I can continue to do the next right thing. I have tried to confide in some of my closest friends and have been irritated and disappointed with the responses. Some of my irritation comes from my expectations of how I think they should handle the situation, which is my own fault. I can’t have expectations of others.
I rarely ever lose my cool, so when I do, I know I need a meeting and to do something about my attitude. I was talking to my best friend this morning and it seemed as though she was hearing me but not listening to me. All I wanted to do was confide in a friend what I am struggling with. Instead of being met by an empathetic ear, I was met with somebody accusing me of being ungrateful. That’s not exactly what somebody needs to hear especially when you don’t listen long enough to understand and take part in their pain.
Of course my ego got in the way.
“How dare she? Does she know how I always listened to her, validate her pain, and help guide her? I always listened and the time I need her to listen she doesn’t.”
I can’t have this expectation of people. I can’t control other people. I’m still learning too. In the same way, she is probably still learning.
The point is, learn to be a place sharer, not somebody who tries to fix people’s problems. Don’t hear what I am not saying. I am not saying let them sit in their poop and marinate. I am saying validate them and love them enough to push them forward. However, it begins with listening and place-sharing.