From a year ago to ever since I can remember, I always struggled with depression. There was low self-image, self-esteem, self-compassion, and self-love. I had no sense of self-worth. Most days, I passively tossed around the idea of suicide. Even when I wasn’t suicidal, fleeting thoughts like “what would happen if I was not here anymore” would cross my mind several times a day. I thought I was good for nothing except to be another statistic of people who took their own lives. Nobody would see it coming. I looked as though I was happy and had my life together on the outside. On the inside, I wanted to die.
Recently, I was looking through old photos and videos on my phone and I came across a video of me drunk and speaking to my camera. For five minutes, I just talked about how much I wanted to die. It broke my heart. On August 14, 2017, I checked myself into the ER because I attempted to take my own life, then I was checked into a mental hospital.
Today, I can genuinely say that God healed me of my depression. Now, this might not look like the way you think. There are still days that I have depressive episodes and I still have to work to fight off the depression. I spent a year doing intense therapy every week, attending AA meetings, meeting weekly with my mentor, meeting bi-weekly with my senior pastor, and trying different medications. It was not like I woke up one morning and I was healed of all depressive symptoms. It took time and work.
Why do I say my depression is healed even though it is not gone? I have bipolar and depression. They are mental illnesses that I will have to manage my entire life. But right there is a key word, “manage.” I can manage it instead of it controlling me. I wake up most mornings and I authentically love myself and can enjoy being alive again. Thoughts of suicide are scarce and ephemeral. People have seen the change that I feel. My outlook on life is different. I have hope now.
To me, this is healing. Sure it is not completely gone and sure I take medication daily, but there is no doubt in my mind that I am healed. Sometimes I forget that I struggle with depression because I am too busy counting my blessings and thanking God. Healing may not always look like the way you expect, but this is healing to me.