The summer after freshman year of high school, I started using drugs recreationally. I could attribute it to the peer pressure I endure, but in reality, it was my choice, and I wanted to do it. It started off recreationally and over the years led to a pill addiction. I could tell you the list of drugs I have done, who I’ve done them with, and the crazy stories I got from using, but that only glorifies the bad choices that ultimately led me to my breaking point. Instead, I’m going to share with you my experience, strength, and hope by telling you who I was, what happened, and who I am now.
I was a piece of garbage. I’m not trying to be melodramatic, but I was. I was a horrible person to be around. I was living in a constant state of misery and I had to bring others down with me. I endured significant bullying throughout my life and it formed me. I went through trauma and it changed me. I used and abused drugs and alcohol to mask my pain. I practiced process addictions like bulimia and self-harm because I loathed me. I was a people pleasure, but I had no real friends, my two best friends died and other friends were dropping like flies.
I manipulated people, stole from friends, lied to family, and put on a lovable face of perfection. On the inside, I was beyond messed up. As I previously mentioned, I struggled with self-loathing. On top of that, I had so much anxiety, PTSD, and depression. It felt like I was waging war inside my head every day.
I had a period of being dry, but I wouldn’t say sober, for 2+ years. I had an incident where I consumed so many drugs and so much alcohol that it almost cost me my life. That scared me into stopping, but I wasn’t working any program of recovery and I didn’t consider myself addicted. I just replaced that addiction with working. That wasn’t enough for me.
I started drinking again on my 21st birthday, but it was never a fun time with self-control. It was drinking until drunk or blacked out, and it was not atypical for me to drive while intoxicated. I tried proving a couple times to several people that I did not have a problem by restraining from drinking for a week or two. I would always go back.
My last night drunk, I got in a huge fight with a father figure. The next day, I stayed sober, but we got into another altercation. I ended up not coming home that night. Instead, I stayed with a friend, but I hit the peak of my depression. I decided that night to try to take my life. By the grace of God, I failed. I ended up in the psychiatric ward, where I was told I had a problem. When I got out, I stopped drinking, but I didn’t stop using drugs until months later.
I wish I could say that life changing event caused me to stop, but I can’t. I lasted a few months, well a little more than 6, then I relapsed on amphetamines with a friend. That time I knew I needed a change. I got a new sponsor and worked the steps again. After a year sober, I got another sponsor. I dove deeper in my steps with him than I had before. I trusted him and I knew he unconditionally loved me. Through this love and working the steps of recovery, my life forever changed.
Today, May 7, 2020, I celebrated 2 years of sobriety. I am a Case Manager where I work with dedication and integrity with many people who experience addiction. I sponsor people ranging from teenagers to people double my age. I still fight with my mental health and feelings of insecurity, but I like the new me. It is a process towards perfection. Without aiming for perfection, there is nothing to progress towards. I know and accept I will never be perfect, but I try to be a better person than I was yesterday. I am thankful for my recovery community, I am thankful for my soon to be wife, I am thankful for my family, I am thankful for my sponsor, I am thankful for my God, and I am thankful for the person sobriety has turned me into.