I have always been pretty open about my struggles with my mental health. This by no means is a demonstration of confidence. I always have the trepidation of being judged or getting bad feedback from being so transparent. Ultimately, I have seen time and time again how my testimony has helped people. Every so often, I share a bit of my testimony on social media or in a sermon. Every time I do, I have at least one person contact me later saying that they have been struggling with the same thing and it was refreshing to know other people do to. The devil likes to tell you that you are all alone.
Dear Professor, I have Depression
Dear Professor
This summer, I thought that I was finally liberated from my depression since I had not experienced a severe episode of depression in a few years. Unfortunately, I was wrong. For several personal reasons that seemed to hit me one after the other like I was standing out in a hail storm, my depression was starting to settle in. I thought I had it under control, but it only got worse. I sought to combat it through therapy and meeting with my pastor, but that was futile. I tried to alleviate the ailment through drug therapy and antidepressants, but that was also futile. It gradually began taking a toll on my academia. It may seem at the moment like I am a bad student (in fact I think I am) but I promise I am not always like this. I don’t always skip class and I don’t always turn in my assignments late.
I Still Believe
This response was the impetus for her sharing her story. I sat and listened for a good half hour. She grew up with an abusive family, but had some background in Christianity. Now she works in law enforcement dealing with child abuse. She explained to me how she battles with PTSD and depression from both her abusive past and the abuse of children that she witnesses on a day-to-day basis.
Waiting For My Time
For the few years, I have always connected to the life of King David more than any other person in the Bible, but before he became king. I always identified with him as a child with his childhood, and now I identify with him even more with where I stand waiting to fulfill God's calling for me. David was Israel's most important king that displayed the epitome of Israel's power throughout the Old Testament (Elwell & Beitzel, 1988).
Unlike me who is the middle child, David is the youngest son in Jesse's family. Within that family, Jesse was not seen of importance. In the same way, when I was younger, I felt that I was often disregarded. Don't get me wrong, it could have been a perception issue of mine and I love my family more than anything. I know my family now views me differently than when I was younger and we all have each other's back no matter what. When I was younger, however, it did not seem like that to me. I would sit in the back of our family van and nobody could hear me when I spoke, which ultimately led to me becoming reserved. I mostly did my own thing, stayed in my room, and was self-motivated (oddly enough following Adler's theory of birth order) #psychmajor #christianstudiesmajor #doubledegreeing. Despite theories that those factors lead to developing the traits of a follower, God had other plans for both David and myself.
In 1 Samuel 16, David was chosen by God instead of his siblings who seemed to fit the characteristics man pictures when they envision a leader. God looked at the heart and told the prophet Samuel to anoint David and endow him with the Spirit of the Lord. At that moment, there were no immediate change in the daily life of David and he continued to do what he was doing before, tend the sheep. Similarly, my sophomore year of high school, I felt a tug on my heart to pursue youth ministry. Thinking it was just an idea spawned from my love towards my youth group, I repressed the call. Again in the senior year when I was college searching, I felt the calling again. I tried to repress it again, but ultimately I lost. At the moment I accepted God's calling, I was anointed in a way and I felt the Spirit of God move in me in a way it had not in the past. However, at that moment, nothing really changed in my daily life. Sure I got a bit more involved in church and I changed my choice of college and major, but my daily life remained steady. I still had school and I still had work.
David continued to serve others and be sensitive to what the Lord was telling him, but he did not rush into leadership opportunities despite his calling and talents. That is where I made a mistake. I took on any leadership opportunity that was presented to me because I have the calling and I know I have the talents, but that does not mean it is God's timing. I know and I have been told by my peers and mentors, that I could successfully run a youth ministry, but that does not mean I should at this point.
David had a couple opportunities to take the role of king away from Saul, but he knew God had ordained Saul for work at that moment. David waiting until God removed Saul from the throne instead of taking it himself. In church's I have been a part of, I saw people in leadership not remaining faithful to the will or commands of God. I did not think they should be in church leadership, and I probably could have had them removed with the information I knew, but I did not. People in the church are aware of those kinds of things, but God has them in a place for that time. The truth always comes out and God's will always prevails.
David became king in due time. When it is my time to become a youth pastor I will know. Although I have been offered positions at other church's, I know God wants me to stay at my church despite what I want to do. He has me here for a reason and in time He will put me where He wants me. At this point, I am not going to continue begging people to utilize my talents and let me serve where I can; instead, if they want/need something, they can come to me. Until the day where somebody comes to me with a pastoral position and I know it is blessed by God, I will continue to put all my efforts to be a shepherd in my daily life whether at school or either of my two jobs.
References
Elwell, W. A., & Beitzel, B. J. (1988). In Baker encyclopedia of the Bible. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House.